True story.

Many years ago, I arrived at work one Tuesday morning, bright and early, ready to face the onslaught of the day, sales calls, negotiations complaints, etc, however, this was not going to be my usual Tuesday.

At around 8:30am, I was approached by a junior part-time admin. They reliably informed me in a curt tone that my role within the company had just been downgraded and I was to no longer receive any new sales leads!!!

I was shocked, how the hell did they know this and why were they telling me in front of my colleagues in a public office at 8:30am!!! 

As you can imagine I was not happy about the news, but even less happy about the way I had found out. I actually spent the morning in a state of shock, and disbelief and as you can imagine struggled to be effective. 

My manager finally spoke to me in their office later that day and as it turned out, I was to head up a new marketing team and work in a larger office. So, the news was not all bad. However, the news should not have been delivered that way to me!!!

Now while this was not the worst experience of an inappropriate way to break bad news, it does give an example of the 5 major areas which need to be addressed correctly when we have to inform someone of news that they might find difficult to take on board.

1.    Timing, and controlling the flow of information.

 When a roadside fatality happens, the police have to ensure they do everything they can to quickly contact the surviving family members before they hear about the death of a loved one through other sources. Now what has made timing imperative when doing this in recent years is social media. As people will often upload details to social platforms about accidents and the victims without even considering the effects of this. It is not unusual and very sad that surviving members of the family will hear of the death of a friend via Facebook, rather than from a friend or family member.

When you have to break bad news, you have to ensure that any difficult message is being delivered in good time, so you can control the flow of the information. Now one of the main things which often prevents people from giving bad news is a fear of upsetting or displeasing others. We have to be honest, as it is never easy having to break bad news and we have to accept that it is an inevitability that the person receiving it, will feel bad when hearing it. As a former HR officer, it was often the case that I had to call unsuccessful candidates to tell them that they would not be coming to work with us. However, I had a rule that I would always call them the same day, as I felt that as hard as it was for them to hear, they needed to know the answer, so they could move on rather than be kept waiting. Never ever delay giving bad news as much as it might pain you, it has to be done as soon as possible. The alternative can be someone finding out from another source. 

2.    Location, don’t make it public

I could name a number of occasions, where I have seen people giving bad news, in busy crowded offices, in front of work colleagues, in the street, or on one occasion; told of the death of a family member while they are serving members of the public!!!

People always need time and a private space to absorb bad news, where they can reflect on it and if they need to cry, become upset or even have a good old rant and private space has to be made to facilitate this. It is important that someone is never denied their emotions and giving bad news in the wrong environment, will mean that someone will work harder to repress the feelings, rather than let them out. You also never know how someone is going to react to bad news, so you can’t rely on them just remaining calm and keeping a stiff upper lip. Always create that safe space to give someone time to take in what they have just heard and if need be, explore their emotions and reflect.

3.    The right person, is not always the strongest person

Breaking bad news is not something that should be done by anyone, it really isn’t. You will often get people, who really could not care less about giving out bad news and will almost pride themselves on being able to do this, as it does not bother them. You must have heard this before, “NO, I WILL TELL THEM, THEY NEED TO HEAR IT FROM ME, I WILL JUST TELL THEM STRAIGHT, PULL THE BAND-AID OFF QUICKLY, TRUST ME IT’S THE BEST WAY. IT WON`T BOTHER ME” Now while these unempathetic people may feel they are the best person to do it, as “they” are ok with it, they are the worst possible choice ever!!

Now we all hear the word empathy used a lot, but very few people are capable of actually displaying it appropriately, and even fewer are capable of using empathy as a tool to help others when bad news has to be broken. Always look for someone who extends their thoughts towards others' needs and can maybe soften their voice and use the right words, whilst demonstrating they can understand another’s feelings. We might often choose a friend to break bad news and this is not always a bad idea, a familiar face and voice, can help. However, choose a friend that is sensitive and knows what to say.

In my role as a crisis responder, I often have to use tactical empathy to help people through the most difficult of times and while we cannot take away the pain of the moment, we can help others by demonstrating that we can understand how they feel. It’s also important never to lie, in all my years I have never told anyone, “I know just what it is like”, if I have not experienced what they are going through. I will be honest and tell them, “I can only imagine how hard this must be for you”.

4.    The correct information

In my book, Letting Go Gently, I talk about the importance of giving the correct information to someone, when attempting to mediate a separation or divorce. Many of us will have heard of “The Charge of the light brigade”, the infamous military action which cost hundreds of lives. But what many of us may now know is that The Charge of the Light Brigade was said to be caused by the wrong orders being delivered. Now, while delivering bad news has to be done in a timely manner, we have to fact-check and ensure the information we are giving out is correct. My favourite sentence when working in dispute resolution is “how do you know that is true?” and I will use this line again and again, to ensure that the correct information is about to be given to someone and that it comes from a reliable source, not just hearsay.

5.    Word, words, words and good old Mehrabian

There can be very few of us who have not heard of Albert Mehrabian, he is the professor who came up with a very famous communication model. Mehrabian states that your body language and facial expressions have the biggest effect on your communication and the way your message is received 55%. The way you deliver a message (voice tone, intonation etc.) has the second biggest effect on how it is received 38%. However, only the words you choose account for 7% of your message. Now while we have all heard this many times, it is never more relevant when giving bad news. Consider these words, “The house is on fire”. Now if these words were shouted in a loud alarming voice, with someone pointing towards an exit door, it would be a call to action to get out of the building. But what if the same words were said still in a loud alarming voice, but this time there was a slight change to the way they were spoken, maybe a more positive energy, rather than a sense of panic. What if this person instead of pointing toward a fire exit, was pointing toward a crowd of people dancing to a DJ? The message could almost be the same but for one difference. One tells you to vacate the building, and the other tells you that people are having a good time. The words are absolutely the same. Now, this rather extreme example highlights the importance of how you deliver a message and that all important displaying of empathy has to be 100%. Softening our tone, and making eye contact with an understanding facial expression, are so important, as are your words. They may only make up 7%, but it's an important 7%, so choose them wisely.

Finally, it is one of the great truths, that you cannot go through life without having to receive or give bad news, but how it is delivered does make a difference to those receiving it. While we cannot avoid someone having an emotional reaction, we can allow our words to fall as softly as possible. 

Jason 
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Call: 07919102191
Website: Vantage Mediation