I once had an email from a policeman I had helped to resolve a neighbour dispute. It simply read: “How do you do it?” My initial thought was, “People always view me differently because I am not wearing a police uniform and I don’t carry the weight and responsibility of our resilient, hard-working police officers.” But when I thought a little deeper about how I had managed to resolve this particularly hard and thorny mediation between two neighbours, the answer became clear: “I was the calmest person in the room, at all times.” Ok, so great advice, Jason, thank you — but did we really click on the link just to read that? No. Let me go further. When you are detached from a crisis, business merger, negotiation, or mediation, it is easier to calm the room and help people find solutions, because you are not emotionally involved. Personally, I work very hard to achieve positive outcomes in all my cases and, I put in a lot of time and effort, but when it comes to emotions, I remain professional. But what if you are not detached? What if you are one of the parties in a negotiation or crisis, and anything but removed from it? What are you meant to do then? In his famous book, Daniel Kahneman explains that we have two types of thought. The first is our fast-acting, emotionally driven “system one” (Homer Simpson) type thinking. The second is our rational, strategic, calm “system two” (Albert Einstein) type thinking. Now, we are all emotionally driven beings, and we naturally default to our system one brain. Why? Because it’s easier. It seems to offer quick solutions — but they are often ineffective. For example, when I asked both parties in the neighbour dispute what would help with the problem, without hesitation, they both said: “Move my neighbour.” This is system one at work. It also fails to consider the second or third move of any action. Imagine if you played chess like this — you would never win a single game. What we need is a quick and easy route to bypass our system one brain, switch to system two, and collect £200 as we pass go. Now, there are around a thousand techniques for relaxing the body, breathing through stress, and staying mindful — all of which can really help. However, when we’re in the middle of a crisis or a tense, high-stakes negotiation, we don’t always have the time to explore such good practice. In mediation, I will always offer people the chance to pause, reflect, and return to the table, because it helps clear the mind. But if you are in a situation where this isn’t possible, try this: Ask yourself: What are they feeling right now? What do they need from me? I know it’s not easy, especially when you wish they would just recognise the great offer you’ve put on the table, sign the deal, and leave. But it is exactly what you need to do — for two reasons. First, it instantly pulls you out of your system one, emotional brain. Second, it allows you to ask a better question and move your thoughts closer to theirs. In life, we all make the same mistake in difficult situations: we assume others think like us and want what we want. How many times have you heard someone say, “Well, if that were me, I would have done this,” or, “I would have just let them have it”? Sadly, this one-sided thinking stalls countless deals, mediations, and negotiations. We stay stuck in system one, trying to browbeat others into agreement, when what we actually need to do is think about the other person. Not to simply give in and hand them what they want, but to understand their needs and help bridge the gap. From there, with a new perspective, you can even test your assumptions by labelling how they may be feeling or what they might need. You’d be surprised how far this one action can go in breaking down barriers. As a professional negotiator, this is what I spend much of my time doing. Let me go back a step here. When I said earlier that “as far as emotions go, I just remain professional,” what I really mean is this: in my work, being professional means leaving my own emotions to one side. Doing so allows me to focus on the emotions and needs of the people in the room and to ask the most important question: Can anything be done to align them? Sometimes, it’s the emotional element of a negotiation that gets us across the line — and allows us to close a deal or resolve a dispute together. #mediation #negotiation #disputeresolution

Are you a victim of the Dunning Kruger effect

How to become your own Crisis Negotiation Handler

Why Chat GPT Will Not Solve Your Problems: Discover the Missing Element in Artificial Intelligence Problem Solving

How to Successfully mediate with a Narcissist

Many years ago, I arrived at work one Tuesday morning, bright and early, ready to face the onslaught of the day, sales calls, negotiations complaints, etc, however, this was not going to be my usual Tuesday. At around 8:30am, I was approached by a junior part-time admin. They reliably informed me in a curt tone that my role within the company had just been downgraded and I was to no longer receive any new sales leads!!!

Within my working life, I can count on one hand the number of people I used to work with, that became friends. Now, this does not mean there was anything wrong with them, or me for that matter, it just means that the people who I have worked with over the years were very different people from myself. They were just people who I worked together within a company for a while and that was the only thing

Work brings pressures, no matter what your industry or your role, you will have tasks to complete within a certain time and if you are unable to complete those tasks, (for whatever reason) you start to feel pressured and stressed. Now when we are stressed, we seldom bring our best selves to work which may then cause us to act in a manner that can lead us into conflict with another person. It is also at this time, that the other characteristics of the